i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
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grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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