I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
