You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
