Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
