Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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