I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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