I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
