Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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