..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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