They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
