I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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