I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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