I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
