First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
