on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
