Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
