Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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