This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
