Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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