The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
