plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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