Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
