I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
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