I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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