I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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