I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
