Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
