Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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