she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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