Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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