Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
MIDGETS
????
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
