why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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