Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
