i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
