i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
