i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize