I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
