This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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