is your mom at the bar?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Sext me about skeletons
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
