I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
