batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
