dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
