Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
