So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
