Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
