i think my tv is drunk
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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