i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
