I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
