I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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