Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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