sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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