i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
