Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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