If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
