Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
